Every moment of darkness is followed by light. Every night ends in dawn. Everyone grows, changes, and moves forward, for better or worse. As I sit here, looking at my own website, I realize that it is not a fair picture of who I really am.... When i initially set out to design this site several years ago, it was supposed to be a perfect reflection of who i am... When i read this site, it should be like looking into a mirror... and it isn't. It's like looking into a painting. It's biased and idealistic.

It took a good friend to make me take a good, long look at myself. In many ways, i was forced to re-think my ideals, my wants, my desires... I was forced to evaluate myself, and I came to some interesting conclusions. With those conclusions done, I sit here, and look at this website, which was supposed to be a reflection of who i am, and I realize it's a very distorted reflection. it only shows half of the image.

Many people interpret this site to be the rantings and ravings of a broken, egotistical gothboi. And, based on the information that is in this site, I can't blame them. But, that is only half the picture. Maybe i am broken. Maybe i am a freak. Maybe i am "goth" to some people. I don't consider myself "goth" anymore... Goth is a lifestyle, not a fashion statement. It's a lifestyle I don't live any longer... and while i still take part in the fashion, I spend more time in jeans and a t-shirt, or in a shirt and tie than I do in black and vinyl. I guess you could say that i am a goth who has just faded from black to grey. I am much more typical than this website would lead people to imagine.

At a point in my life, a friend made me re-evaluate my perceptions about my own appearance. By his unwavering attraction to me, which I found both unnerving and bewildering, he made me realize that not everyone sees me the way I see myself. While this site may lead one to imagine that i am egotistical, that is far from true. i am VERY self conscious, and very unhappy with the way I look. When I was 12 years of age, i went through a windshield of a car, and nearly died. My facial structure was destroyed, and was pieced back together by a plastic surgeon. I know that i do not look the same as I would had that accident never occurred. Every time i look in the mirror, i see the flaws of my face... i see my nose, and the scar tissue on it, the scar under my chin from when I was mugged, the scars in my hairline from surgeries, the flaws in my face.... and i can't see past them. Anatole made me realize that most people can't see these flaws... I know they are there, because i know how i used to look... and i can't see beyond that... but that there is nothing I can do to reverse the fate that has brought me to today... I need to accept myself for who i am and how i look, and move on. (Easier said than done, but i am working on it.)

So, this site is misleading. I am a working professional, who tends to wear a shirt and tie all day, and jeans and a t shirt when i come home... I usually wear my hair back in a ponytail. I am not a typical 'gothboi' of today's culture. I live my life, trying to stay as open as possible to the presence of others, and the presence of the culture in which I exist. I don't seek anything or anyone far from the ordinary... if such a thing exists. I am just here. I just live my life..., and it's not an interesting life at that. I don't like bars or clubs, so I don't go out often... I don't dance unless i am drunk. I hate the mall. I am somewhat anti-social... I am misanthropic. I have been diagnosed with mild apropopphobia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, as well as body dismorphic disorder. So, maybe i am broken. So maybe i am as messed up as you may have concluded from this site. But, if you must judge me, realize that you don't have all the facts, and that perception is never 20/20 unless you can see something from all sides and from all angles. I cant even see myself from all sides and angles, and there are parts of my personality i am still figuring out.... So, nothing is as it seems.