31 May, 2009
Tomorrow is the first of June, and it will be my fourth week at the new job. So far, I am enjoying it very much. It's a great company, and there is so much potential for growth and advancement. The call center itself isnew, and there is a a lot of opportunity for imporvements and enhancements, which I am looking forward to as well. I just got approval from my boss's boss to spend the money on some Adobe software so I can start building an intranet site and get the resources and information the employees need somewhere in a format that is easy to work with... It's going to be an interesting and fun project to get the place running ideally...
On another topic, a week ago, I managed to crash my car... The bridge near my house is closed, (and gone, actually,) while they rebuild the concrete sturctures which support it. I was taking the detour to get to the interstate, and was behind a pick up truck. (One of those heavy duty american pick up trucks- all weight and no function types.) On the side of the road is a house with what must be three dozen kids, all playing in the front "yard", (which translates to 'the 4 feet between the front of their house and the sidewalk, even though there is an entire vacant lot next door which is perfect for playing in.) Their basketball rolled out into the street, (which it does every three minutes or so, because these kids have no dexterity whatsoever.) So, the pickup truck in front of me slams on it's breaks, worried that a child might go after the ball. No such luck. I slam on my breaks as well, and swerve to try and avoid hitting them. I can't swerve left, because there is oncoming traffic, so I swerve right, and hit the pickup truck with the drivers' side corner of my car... It damaged the bumper pretty badly, the headlight, and even kinked and crimped the hood. Other issues (sign posts and other cars) caused some damage on both sides of the back of the car as well. The pickup truck got away with a marred bumper and a chipped tail light lens... No one was hurt, (unfortunately, not even the slack-jawed children or their inbred, overweight parents who were 'sitting' on the porch of the house... and when I say sitting, I only assume that there was an ass somewhere under the folds of fat under the stained undershirts they were both wearing.) Don't get me wrong, it was completely my fault that I hit the pickup truck, because I didn't leave enough room to compensate for him coming to a sudden stop... but, fortunately, my insurance company (geico) has been grat about things-- they're covering $5800 of the $6800 in body work cost, and they are paying for the rental car I've been driving for the past week. Hopefully I'll be able to pick up my car this coming week...
My birthday is coming up this month... on the 23rd. Not sure how I feel about it yet... I guess I'll write more on that as it gets closer.
29 April, 2009
In November of 2008, the company that I had worked for for more than ten years announced that it would close down it's operations in the United States. The world's third largest employer, the world's largets logistics and transportation company, and they decided to eliminate 10,500 jobs... so, in January, I closed and locked the doors to the office building behind me for the last time, and handed my keys in. It was depressing to leave and to have to say goodbye to everyone I've worked with for so long... But, after a couple of months of searching maniacially for a job, I was offered a position today in the same field, (call center management,) and am excited to be able to start with a company where my skills and experience will be utilised... the down side to this, though, is that the position is at their corporate office, and unlike my former employer, they do not know me from a hole in the wall, so I will have to cut my hair and remove my piercings to uphold the corporate image.
I haven’t cut my hair (aside from the trim and maintenance sort of thing,) in almost ten years. I also have a number of scars in my hairline from my car accident and the following surgeries, so long hair is sort of a psychological defense against my dismorphic syndrome… My hair has been a part of an image… a part of the visual Taier that personifies who I am… But, at the same time, the job is an incredible opportunity. It’s the type of position that, if I do well, could mean a great career progression in a year or two, since the company is growing and expanding with a pretty strong baseline. I sit here, and consider that I am in my mid-30’s… and a part of me thinks that it is time to let go, and grow up, and to start to look the part of a corporate worker. (How I have come this far and gotten away with it for this long, I’ll never know!) So, I am entrusting my best friend Nick with my hair, and sharp pointy things, and we'll see where I end up. I'll put some pictures up as soon as I have the chance to take some...
14 April, 2009
I've been lax, at best at updating this site... and a LOT has happened since May of 2006... I am not going to try and cram all of the information which has changed onto this one page. Instead, I have redeveloped the entire site, and updated each page in each section where the information fits best. The site formerly had four sections: Mind, Body, Soul, and Spirit. I've added a new section called "Heart", and am adding new pages to the site in various sections... So, you'll have to explore a bit to find the new information, the new updates, et al. I am going to try to make more of an effort to update the site- sort of blogging the events as they unfold in various sections of the site, so stay tuned...
20 May, 2006
Spring is finally here, and the weather is cold and dreary... through the grey skies and drenching rain, there is occasionally the emergence of bright rays fo sunlight, and vivid colourful flowers. Such is the weather, so too is life... Work has been very hectic and stressful with a lot of projects looming... but occasional moments of epiphany have been the rays of absolution in these crisises which make it all worthwhile... Life has been very mundane and status quo, with the chance for personal absolvement as the ray of sunlight...
I found Jeff, or rather his profile on a website. Jeff and i tried our hands at a long distance relationship which failed miserably, (as long diststance relationships tend to do.) I suspected him of cheating on me when I went to visit him based on a bit of evidence which kept popping up. The evidence was pretty overwhelming, but I never really did verify if I was justified in leaving him. The only thing I remember is talking to him on the phone afterwards. I remember clearly him saying "you broke my heart," and the tone of voice and nuances were absolutely devistating to hear. And, whether my suspicions were valid or not, I always regretted hurting him.
Don't get me wrong; I think I made the right decision. He never did anything to sway me or prove me wrong... but, I loved him very much; and to know I hurt him--right or wrong-- is something which has lived in a form of guilt in the back of my soul for the past few years. And, while a part of me would really like to know I was right-- more important was the opportunity to say that I was sorry... So, I sent him an email... I don't expect to hear from him... I'm sure that he remembers me as a raving mad lunatic who he wants nothing to do with... and I don't blame him! But, I managed to get that small piece of guilt out, and even if I don't recieve any acknowledgement from him, or never hear back from him, I feel better knowing I've had the chance to make my apologies.
23 January, 2006
Well, despite my best intentions, the website has gone without an update for a while... The intention is there, but the motivation is not... And, you would think that for the number of hits the site gets every day, I would be motivated to update the bloody thing-- but i am not convinced that anyone actually bothers to read this nonsense, so why update it?! The hits the site gets are sporadic and random-- my guess is people coming across the site via search engine, and then realizing it's not what they were looking for after all.... Or people looking for porn or fetish (or both) pictures, and then getting all pissed off when they don't find any here...
So, my intention was to update the site before the new year. The plan was to add a whole new section to the site, working off the mind/soul/body/spirit theme, and adding "heart". I also planned to redo the sites navigation, banner headings, and colour schemes to make things look a bit different, and more intuitive.. But, like I said-- lack of motivation. Lack of inspiration.
The whole point of this site, originally, was to be an artistic and creative outlet of sorts. A sort of journal (before the likes of Livejournal and such sites made it easy.) A means for me to express myself, and to work out my thoughts and opinions through writing, and interaction with the people who stumbled upon the site.... but, really-- who cares what I think?! The rantings of an over-educated, old, and cynical anti-social is not exactly on the top of everyone's list of "must reads"...
So, I lack inspiration. I am feeling old and out of touch. I was a creepy goth kid, back in the day before "goth" was a definable sub-culture; long before the Hot Topics and Marilyn Mansons of the world adapted the beloved sub-culture and marketed it to the mainstream masses... and, now; far from being a 'kid', I am out of touch with a sub-culture which has nothing to do with it's origins... and still to influenced by it to know anything else. I am too old to relate to the 'ubergoth' generation, and too far removed from the common mindset of someone from my generation to relate to them... I'm just out-of-touch all around.
I think it's cool that the newer generation has their means of exposure, and self expression! I think it's great that the generations who came along after the "X-generation" can find their own form of dark sensuality.. can experience, to some degree, the sub-culture that made me who I am... although the sub-culture is now 'pop', not 'sub'; and the 'culture' aspect is debatable. But, what bothers me is that I am now the old, responsible person. I am out of touch with what the gothic sub-culture has become. The music is sort of a melange of bands which is indiscernible from one-another aside from their marketing appeal, (the make-up to try and be attractive versus the made-up to scare the parents genre,) and the wardrobe has become more like a uniform than a form of self- expression... So, my closets filled with black t-shirts, vinyl and leather trousers, latex and fishnet gloves and shirts have been relegated to the attic, replaced with the polo shirts and button-downs that my job calls for... because, in part, I am no longer the 110lb teenager and twenty-something I used to be, and in part because someone my age going about in public in something tight, black, and shiny is... well... sad. And that depresses me, because I like shiny black things. In the day, latex and vinyl were very hard to come by!! Now, it's as easy as running down to the mall, or hopping online... I spent an entire decade building up my gothic wardrobe, just to get too old for it to matter anymore. *SIGH*
So... anyway, I digress. In reading the past couple of paragraphs, I get even more depressed, since I realize that they sound like some old grandparent lecturing on about how "back in my day, we didn't have it so easy..." To make along story short, the site hasn't been updated because I lack inspiration and motivation to do so... I have not been motivated to take new pictures of myself, (I have not felt particularly attractive lately.) and I don't think there are enough people out there interested in reading my thoughts and opinions to go through the effort of revamping the entire site. Since it is not likely that someone will pop out of the blue and initiate, inspire, or drag me by the hair out to a photo-shoot, or handcuff me to the keyboard to write; the site isn't likely to see any major updates any time soon. I tempt the Fates to prove me wrong...
1 November, 2005
Another Sanheim come and gone... Another Halloween has slipped through my fingers. As usual, I spent the season working at Dougherty's Masquerade; the largest costumier in Central New York. (I do this every October. I usually take a vacation week from my 'real job' the last week of October, and spend it working at Dougherty's.) This year, I didn't work quite as many hours as I usually do; but I spent a lot more time doing private makeup work for individuals.
Working at Dougherty's this year was Spencer, one of my ex-boyfriends. A very sweet, yet flamboyant african-american; Spencer stands a little over 6 feet tall, and is also commonly known as Miss Coco Chanel, a popular local drag queen. (Of course, many of you have now decided to yourself that Spencer sounds like he is/is not my 'type'. Truth be told, the fact that Spencer is a drag queen gives him a checkbox in the "not my type" column... but, the fact that he is honest, unique, sweet, compassionate, and not bound by the mainstream school of thought gives him a few checkboxes in the "my type" category... and, when he's not in drag, he is quite attractive...)
Anyhow; the situation was a bit awkward in a couple of ways.Although I am with K Luc, and am very happy in my relationship-- Spencer is still very attractive to me. I am, by nature, a physical person, so a few hugs and even a kiss or two are something I don't think of as anything beyond an act of friendship--and I love Spencer as a friend... so, the question is: how did Spencer interpret it? I'll probably not ever know... and now that he season is over, I probably won't see him again unless we run itno each other at one of Syracuse's few gay scene clubs... Which, in a round-about way is a pity, since I like Spencer a lot; and would value him as a friend. I guess the problem is that I don't know where I stand in Spencer's mind... I just am not a very social creature, and I need to be more so. Spencer would be a great catalyst in this, since he is a very social being; and he would be a great friend... One of my great problems is that I have a very limited circle of friends, and my mindset is not always in synch with them... I need to expand the circle. Oh well... such is life, I suppose...
27
February 2005
Well,
it has been some time since I updated this page... A lot has
been going on which has distracted me from updating the site;
I've bought a two family house, got a promotion at work, and
have been dedicating my time and efforts to those two things...
The house was built in 1900, and is separated into 4 floors.
The basement has an efficiency apartment in it, and has some
really cool stone walls. (Great place for a Halloween party,
as it has that 'old castle' feel to it.) The first floor,
(where I am living,) is a four bedroom flat, with a dining
room, kitchen, and living room; complete with a grey marble
fireplace. (It was the hard woods and the fireplaces that
sold me on the place!) The second floor is a two bedroom flat,
with a living room, dining room, breakfast nook, and a foyer-sort
of room which is as big as the dining room, so I'm not really
sure what to call it. I rent it out to by good friend Thom,
(who gets it for a steal!). And then there is the attic, which
is huge... I am going to finish it off sooner or later, since
it's a waste not to.... So, I've been painting, and decorating...
and snowblowing and mowing...
So,my
new muse has been the house, and I have used up my inspiration
by the time I get around to working on the site...
19
June, 2003
Recently, someone whom I spend part of my day with with,
whom I once respected for their diplomacy in the face of adversity,
came across my website, and through the misinterpretation
of the contents, and through their own lack of forethought
or insight, reacted in a negative way to what they saw and
read. They spread rumors and accusations, made assumptions
and generalized statements which were prejudiced, biased and
unwarranted; and spread these lies and mistruths among my
coworkers, presenting them as fact. One of these accusations
was that I like to have sex with underaged boys. This singular
lie is the most offensive thing that anyone could have ever
said to me, or about me... and stemmed from this person's
ignorance. Somewhere in this website it says "I like
boys.", which is true. I am gay, afterall... but,
as anyone who knows me even in the slightest is well aware,
i hate children. Not only do I hate children, I hate teenagers,
and most young adults... and, while I try to remain open minded
and friendly to everyone I encounter, regardless of age, the
thought of having sex with a 23 year old is somewhat repulsive,
let alone someone younger. What most people don't know is why this is the singular most offensive accusation
that this person could have invented... when I was young,
I was sexually assaulted by a baby-sitter. This assault has
had a serious impact on my developmental psychology... especially
in regards to sex. It took me a long time to come to terms
and to be able to deal with my assault, and it has hurt me
on many different levels. And, while I have left behind the
horrors of what happened to me many years ago, the misanthropic
lies of this workplace gossip has done nothing more than bring
back the memory of one of the singular most painful experiences
of my life. And, the parts of my website which this person
was least able to deal with were invented solely so that I
could come to terms with my own sexual psychology, and help
me understand and overcome the barricades my past setup for
me. That, and my four collegiate degrees were actually going
to lead me into a career in sexual psychology... So, again
I find myself facing my past because of someone who I thought
had a better sense of foresight was too blind to see something
for what it really was.
I am the first to admit I am a very fucked up individual.
I had a lot of traumas in my childhood... my parents divorce,
my best friend dying, a serious accident I nearly did not
survive, sexual molestation by a baby-sitter, among a number
of other things before i even reached 18 years of age... But,
I have persevered. I have survived. That which did not kill
me made me stronger, better, and gave me the strength and
motivation to drive myself further and further in my education...
and when things looked their darkest, and I almost gave up,
the one singular thought of all that I survived helped me
more than anything else. This has not been without it's side
effects... BUT; everyone has their weaknesses... and that
is what makes us human. Everyone has flaws which make them
who they are. That is part of who we are. It is our ability
to recognize those flaws, to admit them, to vocalize our own
weaknesses and admit our wrongs; that is what makes
a person a good person, a strong, well balanced person. It
is our ability to admit we were wrong, and to apologize for
our errors, our ability to admit we have weaknesses and moments
where our intelligence fails us that makes us better people.
I understand this, and this website, in it's entirety is indeed
to do just that; be completely open and honest about who I
am, what my flaws and weaknesses are, to admit them , and
overcome them. Of course, I never expected my website to become
the fuel which fed an assault against me; but I do understand
why... the person who spread the rumors and lies about me
has weaknesses and flaws, too... the biggest one of which
is that they react and respond, and take action without thinking
of who and how it may affect people. They have a tendency
to spread information which should be kept confidential, to
over-exadurate the truth, and to formulate their own opinion
and belief about something, and to spread it as if it were
fact. I know this, because I have known this person for 4
years... I have seen them on their best, and on their worst
days. I understand that person, even though it is obvious
they don't understand me in the least... The simple fact is,
we all have flaws, whether we are able to see them or not.
So, it's just something you have to take as a fact of life...
and something you have to work around. It is our flaws that
make us human.
Sadly,
the sources of these rumors at work is a somewhat influential
person... by planting these lies and rumors, there is nothing
that will undo the damage of the people who took the lies
as fact. The past 4½ years I have spend working hard
to create a reputation as a patient, responsible, and dependable
person, and my efforts to build a relationship as such has
been destroyed in one single day... and now there will always
be those people who will never believe the truth, and who
will always take the lies which have been said about me as
truth. In fact, some people, perhaps because of their own
flaws and weaknesses, may even perceive any efforts to undo
the damage as a conspiracy to cover up what they think is
truthful. Short of this person giving a written apology to
each person admitting their wrongdoing (which i know would never happen in a million years,) nothing can undo
the damage that has been wrought by one person's inability
to see things as they really are. So, again, I must persevere.
I must learn from this person's weaknesses and flaws, and
use this as a lesson to improve my own flaws. And, while I
am hurt and disappointed that my respect for this person was
misplaced, I can only hope that this person has the strength
and vision to realize the damage they have done to me, to
admit they were wrong, and to use this as an opportunity to
recognize their flaws and weaknesses, and improve upon themselves
as a person from this lesson. So, tomorrow is another day,
and I must start over, rebuilding the relationships and reputation
with my coworkers over again... Like everything else behind
me, I must dig out from the rubble and debris I find myself
in, and move onward. "c'est la vie-- such is life."
POSTSCRIPT,
23 June 2003:
I think it's interesting that people feel completely free
to spread rumors about me and talk about me behind my back,
as if there were nothing wrong with it... but the moment I
say something about them, (in a way which is not behind anyones
back, but right out in the open where they will be well aware
of it,) they have a hissy fit? Explain to me what makes it
right for you to formulate your opinions and pass judgement--(and
turn those opinions into 'fact', and spread them as rumors,)
, but I am not entitled to have my say?? The only difference
is, I am not spreading rumors, telling lies, or bringing it
to a place where it doesn't belong..., and I have the respect
to admit to, and apologize for my mistakes. Simply put: turnabout
is fair play, folks. Judge not lest ye be judged.
27
April, 2003
Usually, I'll put a CD on in the background while I work...
but this weekend, for some reason, I decided to put the TV
on in the background, and have been half-watching music videos
while I work... And, I have but one question: What happened
to rock stars?! There was once a time when rock stars worked
hard to look good; defined abs on a smooth chest, carefully
chosen clothing, usually of leather derivation, and often
times a lean towards androgyny... Image was once important,
and highly refined... Now, rock stars look like drunken frat
boys, or guys who I can too easily imagine sitting on the
couch all day scratching themselves while drinking Budweiser...
wearing stained t-shirts and second-hand jeans. The only rock
stars who try to establish an image are uber-goth-wannabe
bands like Murder Dolls, and the image they are going
for is more of a Troma movie gone wrong... Where are the beautiful
boys? Where is the edge of a guy half-clad in leather? Where
is the sensuality of carefully placed eyeliner? What happened
to having talent and beauty?
Don't
get me wrong -- I like the fact that people are more interested
in the talent of an artist, and the music than how the artist
looks.... but, once there was a time when there were both...and
by comparison, I have no desire to watch a music video of
a guy in sweat pants and a beer-stained shirt...
back
to top
31 January, 2003: Sister of mine....
I have a sister....
.....I've been saying this to
myself over and over again, and the words coming from my lips
seem both foreign and surreal to me, yet fitting and ideal
all at the same time... Because, while I have had a sister
for my entire 20-some-odd years of life, I have only known
of her for 2 days.
.....When my mother was young,
before she met my father, and before my older brother, she
had a child out of wedlock. In that day and age, it simply
was not done, taboo, and controversial. Being young and afraid,
my mother put the child up for adoption..
She has spend the past 30-some-odd years wondering if she
made the right decision; if her baby was adopted by a good
family, taken care of, and brought up in an environment better
than a teenaged mother could do back then. I've known this
for some time, my mother told me a while back about it...
I kind of set the thoughts aside, never expecting my mysterious
sister to surface... Two days ago, my absent sister and mother
found themselves on the phone with each other.
.....I haven't had the chance
to talk to her yet, and have just emailed her today... But,
I have heard about her a bit from my mother, and brother...
and I've visted her band's website, and listened to her Real
Audio files, and have come to the conclusion that she's definitely
from the same gene pool, and seems to be a pretty cool person.
I'm very eager to hear from her, and to get to know my older
sister Jennifer.
.....And, while I wonder how
things might have been different in the past having a sister,
I know that there is no going back, that there is no changing
the past.... but, there is a chance to change the future.
So, I am excited, still a bit in shock, but very happy to
finally get the chance to know my sister, and happy that our
family is whole at last.
back
to top
26 January, 2003 :
Spencer
This past week, I was voted the Gothboy of the Week by the
good people at http://www.gothboyoftheweek.com.
As a result, I found myself wandering through my own site,
to try an imagine how others would see it... My original intent
was to find the flaws and things that I needed to fix, but
mainly, I was just feeding my ego. As I was wandering, I was
listening to one of the sundry 80's internet radio stations,
and on came a Grace Jones song, which made me think of a past
dating experience....
....During the time K Luc and
I spent apart, I spent a couple of weeks in the arms of Spencer.
Spencer, aside from being an african-american exceeding 6
feet in height, and being one of the most successful drag
queens in Syracuse, (Miss Coco Chanel,) he also happens to
be Grace Jones's nephew. And, I realized that there is no
mention of him in my site at all. When I had originally designed
the eros page, I left Spencer out, because we had only been
together for a week, and I have no pictures of him to speak
of.
....I haven't
been to the clubs where he performs as Coco, and I haven't
seen him for some time. Spencer is a sweet, passionate guy.
We were not really compatible, almost entirely because of
his lifestyle, and partially because K Luc and I were mending
our relationship... But, I miss Spencer in a lot of ways.
His priorities were in disarray, and his life would probably
kill many, but underneath everything is a strong-willed, passionate,
sweet guy. In hindsight, I regret not having pictures of us
together, or having given him the credit of being a part of
my life that I have given Anatole, K Luc and Martha on the
eros page of this site. While I know as a couple, Spencer
and I would never have succeeded for much longer than we did,
I wish him happiness, wherever he may be.
back
to top
4
January, 2002: The "Hot Topic" Rant:
K-Luc and I were gallivanting about the shopping mall
the other day, looking for a new digital camera for myself,
and because he wanted to see the new Star Trek movie. (All
in all, the movie wasn't half bad.) So, since K-Luc had
a few dollars left on an old Hot Topic gift card, we sauntered
into the crammed little shop, packed from floor to ceiling
with the latest fads and pop-culture fashions, (e.g.; Spongebob
Squarepants t-shirts and Avril Lavigne look-alike striped
neckties.) Now, don't get me wrong... the Hot Topic is not ALL bad... On occasion, you can find a cool piece of
decorum (gargoyle figurine) or a cool t-shirt there, so long
as you are willing to be completely non-unique in your ownership
and use of said item or clothing. But, what bothered me is
this: The teenaged 'gothic' populous, in their desire to be
different, stand out in a crowd, or unique, all herd themselves
into this tiny little shop, spend their allowances and McDonald's
paycheques to buy the same shite that all the other little
alterna-kids are buying, so instead of being an individual,
they are even more a part of the masses than before. The epiphany
of this can be reflected most in one little item that Hot
Topic mass-markets on their website, and in their stores:
a small, sew-on patch made of canvas, which reads "Conformity
is a social disease." These mass-produced canvas patches,
stacked in piles of about 50, sat in a display case with tons
of other mass-produced patches promoting bands and simulating
patches from other things, and sold for US$5.99. Mass-marketed,
conformist anti-conformity. On sale now. Not only can you
be a hypocrite, you can spend your money promoting the conformity
of anti-conformists. Very nice.
back
to top
December 22, 2002
Ah, the holidays... The temperatures are low, and the
depression is high... The snow falls, and suicide rates go
up. The magic of silver bells and Jack Frost nipping at your
nose, and little old ladies beating each other with their
purses to get the last sweater on sale....
A couple thousand years ago, there was no such thing as Christmas
- there was the Winter Solstice. It was a festival, a celebration
of friends, family, and loved ones. Christianity came along,
and created Christmas in their attempts to destroy the pagan
rituals of the Solstice, (much like they did with the Spring
Festival and Easter.) Of course, this attempt in the long
run failed. Idealistically, the Catholic church would like
us to believe that the 25th of December is a day of remembering
and honouring Jesus. This, of course, does not happen. Instead,
we spend months shlepping around shops, buying gifts, and
we spend this so-called "sacred" day with our families,
friends, and loved ones, (for better or worse) eating gluttonous
amounts of food, and swapping material possessions. And, while
the catholic church would try to correlate the gift giving
with the three wise men; [what exactly is an infant Jesus
supposed to do with Myrrh?!], I can assure you that there
are no spendourously decorated pine trees in Nazareth, and
the baby Jesus was not visited by a overweight man in a red
suit with flying beasts of burden. In fact, many of the symbols
related to Christmas come from Pagan origin, not Catholic.
The pine tree, wreaths, garland, holly, mistletoe all come
from the forests of Wales and England where the Pagans celebrated
the Solstice... Many people think of twinkling Christmas lights
on houses, and candles in the window. Well, electric lights
were placed on trees as a replacement for candles. Candles
used to be the traditional tree-lighting means. This, too,
dates back to the Pagan era, where candles were placed in
the boughs of trees to light the night time hours of the Solstice
festival.
So, my point is this: Why do we get stressed out? It is supposed
to be a celebration of life and love..., regardless of faith.
(Pagan=your life and loves) (Christian=Jesus's life)
Life
is too short to beat someone up over a sweater on sale, or
to be caught up in making sure you've bought the perfect gift
for everyone, so they can shred the paper you spend hours
meticulously folding so perfectly, and have it on the floor
in shambles in a matter of seconds... Life is too short to
stress out about being with family, or doing things you don't
want to do. Get a bottle or two of good wine, a bunch of people
you love, a feast (make it vegetarian if you're inviting me,)
and celebrate life. Celebrate the year that is coming to a
close. Don't get caught up in symbology, or tradition... It's
supposed to be a holiday, not a chore.
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Give
me a man or woman who has read a thousand books, and you give
me an interesting companion. Give me a man or woman who has
read perhaps three, and you give me a dangerous enemy indeed.
June
23, 2002
Beneath my fingers have slipped so many years... and today
marks a milestone on this path I have wandered. As the years
have passed me by, I have often wondered where this path will
take me... this path, which has been full of twists and bends,
hills and valleys, forks and turns. I have walked slowly,
my head down in partial humility, partial respect for the
intricate threads which are woven into the fabric which surrounds
me... and, as I reach this milestone, I feel a tear fall from
my eye. Not a tear of sorrow, nor of regret... although both
of which i have had my share; but a single tear of joy. For,
as i reach this milestone, and look behind me at the path
i have forged, I realize that I would not have it any other
way... even if i could change it. I have had my hardships,
my sorrows, valleys and pain.... but now, at this milestone,
I have more than i could have hoped for... and for the first
time, realize that I am truly happy. And so, with a smile,
and someone's hand in mine, I take another step forward...
prepared for whatever may lie ahead. Godspeed to you all.
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Panic
Room 4/02
It is very hard to find a movie which impresses me. I have
the tendency to pick the movie apart in one way or the other.
Usually, the plot will be riddled with holes, or an inconceivable
sappy plot. So, yesterday when I went off to my local Hoyts
Googolplex, to watch "Panic Room" in theatre 32,
I had my expectations set very low. But, much to my merriment,
the movie was actually VERY good. The cinematography was outstanding.
The camera angles, lighting and set design were thought out
VERY carefully, and the psychological impact on the viewer
was a consideration in every facet of the movie. What's more,
the plot held it's integrity. While, granted, the initial
plot, three guys out to find the hidden fortune of a dead
relative, seems a bit of a stretch, the actual content of
the film, and the ending held up. No sappy, happy endings
here... It's an ending which leaves you wondering what happened
to him, or to her... but I think any other way would have
ruined it. So, all is not lost. The motion picture industry
is not a complete waste. There are still movies out there
worth the $9 to see. This is one of them.
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All I ask is for the chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.
My Rant Against an MTV Society. 2/02
The meaning of life is to move forward.
The mind is the engine of one's body.
These are two statements that I have always held onto as fact,
and have done my best to live by them. Today, I was flipping
through channels on the tele, looking for The Weather Channel,
when I passed by MTV, and I paused to watch a few moments
of the 'one hit wonder of the week'. Lo and behold, I was
not disappointed, for I had the distinct mental stimulation
of watching a bunch of suburban white boys in a "we want
to be rock stars" band by-the-name-a "Hoobastank".
Aside from having a name which is slightly giggleable, they
appear to have a moderate amount of musical talent. Kudos
to them. And then i heard the lyrics "Help me see <mumble
mumble>.. Make me understand..."--and the realization
stuck me like the proverbial ton of bricks. Why are people
in the American culture so stupid? Because they have been
spoon fed everything, and have never been taught to think
for themselves! This society panders to the lowest common
denominator. This society puts warning stickers on knives
which say: Danger, Sharp! This society puts warnings on coffee
which say: Danger: Hot Coffee! This society is driven forward
by television and movies, many of which pander to the lower
mindset by using no word in their entire script surpassing
3 syllables. This is the society which puts safety locks on
things because parents are too stupid to watch their children.
This is the society which whines and moans when they see something
they consider offensive on the tele, rather than have the
intelligence to accept it as someone else's point of view,
and change the channel. Instead, they sit there, staring at
the offensive image, appalled and aghast. I hate this society,
and will continue to until people learn to think for themselves.
Until they are not told what to do, what to buy, what to wear,
and what to eat, and can think for themselves. Believe for
themselves. Have enough common sense to know that coffee is
hot, and that knives are sharp. Know enough to look away,
or turn the channel if they don't like what they see. To refuse
to be spoon-fed, and to pick up a fork and knife for themselves.
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Dreams
Are dreams the working of a higher meaning? When we leave
consciousness, does the other 90% of our brain, that which
we don't use during our consciousness, come to life and convey
to us meanings and images of significance and importance?
Or, are dreams just the rantings of a brain uncontrolled by
convention of consciousness. Are dreams meant to be prophecies?
Or, are dreams just illusions created by the mind out of want?
Needless to say, I had a strange dream last night... not strange
in the improbable or uninterpretable kind of way, but strange
in the it-could-really-happen,-but-I would-be-astounded-if-it-did
kind of way. I know countless researchers have studied dreams
to get a better understanding of them... but no one really
knows what they are, or what they mean... Prophecies or fantasies?
For my sake, I hope it's a prophecy.
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A.I.
Artificial Intelligence.. Stephen Speilburg decides it's
time to make another blockbuster movie, so, of course, i shell
out the 8 bucks to see it.. the premise of the movie itself
was fantastic... The visuals were very well done... but i
can't help but get the impression that Mr. Speilburg got to
a certain point in filming before realising that he never
wrote an ending for the movie... Up to a certain point (frozen
underwater) where the movie is great... and then after that
point, it just sort of falls apart. I guess it just goes to
show that too much of anything can ruin it.
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Holidays
Here in the states, they celebrate "Memorial Day".
It's very much like "Remembrance Day"... it's intent
is to remember and honour the men and women who have died
in battle, or while protecting the country. And so, everyone
proudly displays their flag... and everyone takes the day
off from work, and remembers the men and women of the militia.....
by barbecuing, picnicking, and going to the beach. How patriotic!!
How American!! They have a Veteran's Day here too, which is
very similar, but much more somber, and ceremonial... So why
the two?? is not a veteran the same person we are supposed
to honour on memorial day???? Not that it's just the American
Holidays that are bizarre.. let's look at the religious holidays,
eh? The big Catholic Holiday of Easter. Easter makes me think
of a little scene:
<fat child passionately eats a chocolate egg>
MOTHER: Jesus died for your sins, Billy...
CHILD: (still munching) (mouth full) Yeah, i know, it's great....
MOTHER: (shocked and offended) It's great!?!
CHILD: (mouth still full, still munching on egg) i mean...
no, it's bad... look, whatever you want, just keep giving
me these chocolate eggs!
<end scene>
Which makes me wonder... How can the faithfully religious
be so vehement about Easter?? During Easter we give chocolate
eggs which comes from a rabbit to one another because....the
chocolate is brown, and the cross that Jesus was crucified
on was brown... and the rabbit comes in because the cross
was sunk into a rabbit borough? Of course not!! The Catholic
religion designed easter around the Pagan spring festival...
The Eggs and Rabbit represent fertility, and have nothing
to do with Catholicism at all. Same with Christmas.. Jesus
was supposedly born on Christmas... and Father Christmas comes
into the picture because Jesus's father was fat and jolly
and wore a bright red suit... Again, Catholicism stole aspects
of the pagan religion. At any rate, enjoy your extra day off...
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Nomadism
Nothing is more depressing than moving. Packing everything
you own, all of your worldly possessions, your memories, your
history, your life, into flimsy cardboard boxes. Stuffed with
newspaper, packing tape and neatly labeled in magic marker.
The mere fact that 25 years of existence can be squeezed into
less than half of a U-haul truck. For 25 years, I have a wrought
iron canopy bed, an armoire, 5 bookcases, a desk, a dining
room table, two futons, a couple of end tables, a washer,
dryer, computer, and some books to show for it. Pretty sad,
all in all. Needless to say, I'm moving. Martha and I are
packing up and moving to a new flat. It's actually really
nice... I'm sure I'll be happier there.. but I hate the concept
of shoving everything I own into a truck, just so that I can
lug it up a flight of stairs, and find new places to put everything.
C'est la vie, I suppose... such is the life of someone who
rents. I'll post new pictures of the place when i get settled...
Regret
I am just recovering from one of the worst bouts of bad
health I've had since childhood... A kind of mixture of bronchitis,
influenza, and some sort of alien infestation of my stomach...
This wasn't made any easier to deal with when compounded by
the fact that I can not call in sick for work, and that my
work load has more than doubled these past couple of weeks...
So, my day was pretty much a delirious haze of vomit, paperwork,
and sleep.... But as i lay in bed, drenched with sweat and
erratic dreams and nightmares, I found myself buried in regret.
I thought about Jeff.
Parts of me are sure I've made the right decisions... and
parts of me know that there was another way... Parts of me
know although it was the right decision, it wasn't the best
decision. Jeffy, i miss you. I'm sure he's moved on, and met
someone else...and for his happiness, I hope he has... But
a part of me still adores him... and part of me would undo
what has happened if i could... All in all, regret is one
of the worst emotions....combined with love, regret can be
one of the most painful emotions to bear... It's an odd facet
of human nature, regret. I wonder if fish and rabbits and
other sundry wild animals feel regret to the extent we do...
Of course, i would love to be a cat... a spoiled housecat...
Eat, sleep in a warm spot... play, but only if you're in the
mood, be loved, adored, pet, scratched, and do whatever I
please and likely no regrets at all. Oh well, maybe my next
life.
Remember
kids:
Milk may build strong bones, but paste is cement for the mind.
Common
Sense
I've come to the startling revelation that people in this
culture have no common sense. "What are you on about?"
you ask? People simply have no common sense. They have to
put warnings on coffee that it is hot. They have to put up
guardrails to keep people from arbitrarily walking into oncoming
traffic...pretty soon, knives will come with a caution label:
"warning: sharp! Do not stab people!" And I know
why. When I grew up, we had toys that were sharp, and pointy,
and could kill you. (Lawn darts, for example.) We learned
by experience. Stick a key in a wall connector, and it hurt.
Jump off of the playground onto the concrete and it hurt.
That's how we gained common sense. These days, kids have foamy,
soft, rounded toys that they couldn't hurt themselves on if
they tried! Playgrounds are filled with sand, or foamy rubber
flooring! They have no chance to learn common sense. It's
a shame, really. Nothing teaches a child quite like sheer
pain....
February 2000
Well, the recent lack of updates on the site are the result
of two things; 1.) I've just gotten over the flu, and 2.)
Things have been very busy at work...and from the looks of
it shall continue that way until Spring. So, the site will
be under a bit of neglect, unless I get lots of nagging or
general inspiration from my visitors to do otherwise.
In the meantime, I would like to take a moment to bitch about
this medium of the internet. A wonderful world of technology
and resource, putting the whole world at your fingertips...
yet at the same time, it makes you realise that all of the
people in this world who you could love, and whom you could
have a wonderful relationship with are so very out of reach.
All of the cool people are not nearby, but are in distant
cities, in other countries or states... It's not at all fair.
For whatever reason, I find myself in a melancholy state this
evening, realising that I will never find what I am looking
for in Syracuse, but can't leave Syracuse because of my duties
to career and family. It is quite a miserable state of affairs.
I also find myself looking back on decisions I've made, and
wondering if I've done the right thing... Jeff, I miss you.
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Why
that?
One day, someone was walking along a beach, and they saw
a lobster. Now, think about a lobster... they are not at all
cute, cuddly, nor to they look particularly tasty... Yet,
for some reason, somebody thought to take that scary, armour-plated
crustacean and try to eat it. (Which just goes to show that
kids will put anything in their mouth.) Now...let alone the
fact that it does NOT look tasty.. you have to crack open
it's exoskeleton.. you literally have to crack and shatter
it's bones to eat it.. you have to rip through a armour shell
to get a little bit of fattening, bad for you meat. Who's
idea was this?? I can only assume it's the same person who
invented such anomalies as the "Egg Wave" and "The
Clapper"... clap on, clap off indeed. Can somebody please
explain to me how the human mentality will go through the
agony and trouble of cracking open the hard exoskeleton of
a helpless, unattractive creature just to nibble on a little
of it's flesh, but the very same human can't bear to get up
and turn on the light using the traditional switch?! I simply
don't understand....
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If
ignorance is bliss, why do ignorant people irrirate me so?
Dracula2000
So, I went to see Wes Craven's Dracula 2000 today. Having
been warned about it, I went in with very low expectations.
Even expecting a bad movie, I was very unimpressed. As a matter
of fact, it was the longest 90 minutes of my life. Poorly
edited, some very bad one liners, and some seriously lacking
scenes, which seemed to have no purpose other than to fill
time. The premise they were working with, That Dracula was
the reincarnate of Judas, we a good one, but it was so poorly
presented and written into the movie, that it loses all potential.
The character is portrayed in this movie as a sexual magnet...and
the guy they found to play Dracula is...well... not at all
attractive in my opinion. For some reason, he reminds me of
Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance guy. Creepy. So, for
a horror movie, it was disturbing in all the wrong ways. My
advise is to save your $8. I couldn't resist... There is something
about another vampire movie that just sucked me in (no pun
intended)... Something about a beautiful cloaked man erotically
biting necks... This movie did nothing for me.
In general, I have always had a fascination with Vampire.
The dark sensuality behind it... The passion... (or maybe
I am just a pervert.) I am not a fanatic who believes in the
Vampire, however. It is a romanticized fantasy... Given the
option, I wouldn't want eternal life. Imagine living hundreds
of years...watching our society go from culture and style,
declining to it's current state... watching your friends and
loved ones die... It would be a hellish existence that I wouldn't
wish on anyone. I have no fear of death... In some ways, I
welcome it. I think to not be cursed with eternal life would
be something I would never wish on anyone...
Danger
Today I have learned the dangers of getting sucked
into something.... I sat here, at my desk, typing away.. (a
project for work). I had started by bringing an unopened carton
of Orange Juice and a glass.... and half an hour later, noticed
that the Orange Juice was gone. Things like this happen to
me a lot when i am working on something... I get engrossed.
Sucked in. I lose sight of time, and my surroundings. Especially
when I am writing. Now I feel somewhat sick to my stomach.
I used to have someone in my life....and they usually came
by every now and then and brought me back to reality... Now
that i am alone (with the exception of Martha, but she is
always at work) I lose sight of things more easily... That's
not to say if I have to be somewhere, I won't show up... I'm
good at keeping track of things when i HAVE to.... but, when
I don't, it can be dangerous... A few months ago, I began
working on writing a new book for work, and got engrossed
in that. I started on a Saturday morning around 9. Monday
morning when Martha came home, I was still attached to the
keyboard.... I had no idea what time or day it was...and had
completely forgotten sleep. I guess the moral of the story
is that I need a clock that chimes the hour or something....
Illusions
This is reality. Or is it?
Where is the line that separates the two?
How can one be sure that what is remembered as yesterday is
not a dream?
How can one be sure that the present is real?
Might this not be the dream of an unborn fetus, who will be
born into an ice aged world of stone, snow and fire, where
there is no 'computer' or 'internet'...?
Might this world, this society be the fantasy of an omnipotent
being....and his awakening will be the end of our existence?
How can we be certain that dreams are nothing more than a
parallel reality?
Might not insane persons simply be walking the fine line between
the two parallels, and not really insane at all?
Might this not all be some big dream that we'll wake up from
and forget?
So often we dream of crossing the line of reality...but simply
by dreaming, we have.
How do we know there is a line? How do we know which side
we're on?
Moral: Question everything.
Hate
Some of you, who are considered if not by yourself,
than by others, to be goth, sneer and snicker at those people
who are 'goth wannabes'. Yet, you are the same people who
get offended by the frat boys who drive by, throwing empty
beer bottles and calling you queer devil worshippers. Some
of you hate me because I am gay. Some of you hate me because
you assume I am racist...some of you hate me because I was
not born an American citizen... Some of you hate me because
I am atheistic. But before you judge me... know that you have
many people who hate you for just as petty a reason. People
hate you because of the colour of your skin. People hate you
because of your sexual orientation, regardless of what it
may be. People hate you because of where you live. People
hate you because of the way you look. People hate you because
of the way you speak. People hate you because of what you
believe in. People hate you just because you are you. So,
for as many people as you may hate, you are hated too. I've
dated many races, I've been to many nations. We are all the
same. We all have the same dreams, the same goals, the same
ideals...just different pictures of what they should look
like. You have the right to hate no one but yourself. Do you
want to be a nameless face in a nameless crowd of people who
are all identical to you in every way??
Moral: Embrace everyone. It is the differences that make us
who we are.
Humanity
Mammals all have one thing in common. They have some
predator which keeps their population in check. Humans do
not have a predator which does this.
We breed, uncontrolled, and populate spaces, milking them
of their resources and beauty until there is no more to be
had. Like a virus. Like a parasite.
Moral: Be humble. You're nothing more than another human.
Invention
There ought to be something that is the opposite of a microwave.
(I guess it would have to be called a Macrowave.) Something
that cools and/or freezes things in mere moments. Ice is essential
to the proper enjoyment of my mainstay of caffeine: Diet Pepsi.
I hate being out of ice, but don't want to wait for the water
to freeze in the little machine thingie. If anyone invents
one someday,this was posted on 1/4/01, I want royalties!!
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